Thought I will write about how it all started.My wisdom tooth was bothering me for a long time and I had scheduled an extraction.Wondering why I am talking about my tooth......I dread anything that has to do with my teeth,I hate to sit on the dentist's chair ! They had to sedate me in order to extract the tooth and that could not be done if I was pregnant.I was waiting for the phone call from my obstetrician the morning of the appointment and crossing my fingers that I would be pregnant,mostly because I wanted to be and partly so that I would not have to go through that horrendous extraction !Then,my gynec gave the best news of my life!
I enjoyed most of my pregnancy,except for a few weeks of sickness.I loved the attention from everyone,loved the feeling of a life inside me and loved to show of my tummy:-) Miss D's dada and I did not want to find out the gender of the baby and all I was hoping for was a healthy baby.The pain started around midnight after a nice dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.She was born the next day( oh,didnt mention earlier,I secretly wanted a girl,but never dreamt about how she would look or how she would be)Here, I had in my arms,a beautiful gray eyed healthy baby with bright red lips and nice shiny black hair.
I was working until my 6th month of pregnancy and quit,feeling very ready to stay home and take care of my little one.A year in to my little girl's life,here I am waiting to get back to the work life.Why is the grass always greener on the other side?I thought I would be fine as a 'stay at home' mom,but apparently I am finding out thats not the case.I need the life outside,meet other people,have a carrier.....but the irony is ,I know I will complain of how busy life gets when I have to juggle between work,home and kid.Hmm,why are we not satisfied with the current situation and always want the other side??I love taking care of my little love,seeing her face as soon as she wakes up with her eyes half open,chase her around the house in only her diapers......pick her up and soothe her when she has a fall........but I want it with my life outside.Is that a very selfish thought?
Well,I guess there is no easy answer......but definitely helps to write down what I feel.
5 comments:
I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone. Though motherhood is out of the world experience and though we would not trade it for anything else in this world. Sometimes we feel that may be I am left behind. I was in the same dilemma and that is why I resigned from my old job thinking that I will be a stay at home mom and enjoy every bit of it. But now that I got a good job offer I jumped back in. I still feel bad and selfish whenever I see my son crying when I leave home. Even today I keep thinking if I made the right decision or not. That is why I try to take advantage of working as much as I can from home. Whenever I am taking a break, I could spend time with my son. I could take a break, put my son to sleep (I love it that he likes to go to sleep or just cuddle him and then come back to work.
Well what did I want to write....hmm...I thought that us / me always have a tendency to crave for things that we do not have no matter how much we have. I decided that if I am not happy with myself I will not be a good mom too. I thought that at least until mom and mil's are here I will work and then see how it goes from there. May be I will resign again or may be I will join part time or may be I will get an own business and working from home. God knows, but I know I will always long for staying at home with my lil boy when I am working and will want to go out and work when I am with my boy all the time :) It is a compromise no matter what we choose, it is an equally tough call and it is not fair that only mothers have to go through it. I think it is because we love them more than anything in the world and our lil ones love us more than anything else on this world!! How privileged are we! Hats of to mothers, no doubt they say - 'Mathru devo bhava' - For all the mothers!!
OTM:Very well said !Its a balance we need to learn to live with.As you said,as long as we can do it,we should do it.....as long as mom and mils are helping us.It will always be a challenge to leave the child in day care for the first time or leave the child at home-whether its at 6months or 2 years.You are lucky that you can work from home.
Thats the wonderful thing about moms-we always get that unconditional,crazy love from our babies and we have to pay the price for it,by making that 'tough call'.
Do you have your own blog page?
Oh this is the classic dilemma mdm ! To work or not to work. And it IS greener on the other side. Those who are SAHM's feel like they need to work outside and contribute.
Working Mothers feel constant guilt of depriving the children of their attention and of missing the precious moments in their lives.
Maybe there's a part time work option for you? I am certainly considering it..
MDM/ OTM This is one of the burning questions I had to face when I had to return to work after both kids, after A1, I was just finishing up residency, so I had to go back after 6 weeks post C-sectin, but afterward after about 2 months, I stayed home till for about 3 more months before I started the current job. As a physician, I know that for sure I have to get back to the work force sometime or the other...with A2, I also worked till about 1 week prior to my scheduled C-section, but the best part was afterward, I could take 10 weeks off..I think those were the most wonderful days, it was summer, A1 was off to his pre-school and I had the best undisturbed time with my son.
I knew it would end soon, people were waiting for me to start back...I am ever grateful to my mom as she was with me after both kids were born, and if she weren't it would have been unthinkable..
But I guess the point I am trying to make is that if you know that you want to work, you can plan around it, look for a baby sitter or even a nanny that can help you out, ask friends around as to what they would do...
P-Working moms do feel guilty at leaving the kid at someone else's care, but after a point after staying at home, you should have a life of your own too, should be able to pursue interests that are not solely related to your child's...and it also broadens your kids' horizons and he/she will be more comfortable around people...so I guess MDM try to start part time or few hrs a day and get a feel for it and go from there!
Thanks all ! So lot of mommies feel the same way.It is always going to be a challenge to hit the balance.Will have to see about the part time.
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